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Reply to Cristina
Subject: Falling in love with an older man in a stable relationship

Hello Cristina. I assume you mean that you are in love with an older man who is in a relationship, maybe married, but in any case in a 'stable' relationship.  Many of us have had this experience so, of course, you are not alone.  I don't know your age gap nor your age, but I assume (correct me if I am wrong) that you are not a teenager but a woman who knows her feelings.  The pros and cons (and the psychological pitfalls) of falling for an older man really depend on what you want in your life now and in the future.  If you seek an experience, a way to develop emotionally, any well-balanced well-lived, healthy emotional experience will enrich you; if you seek a companion throughout your life, including your 'old age', then being with a much older person may is not going to give you that.  In brief, the secret to knowing if a decision is the right one for you is to know yourself and what you want from life.  Don't hesitate to dream and don't fall into societal parameters, I think individualism is very much under-rated in today's society and probably a cause of much depression and stress in so many people.  So: be yourself and don't worry too much if you conform to other's life choices.

However, and this is the 'crunch' of your situation (if I understand it correctly): this man you are in love with is in a stable relationship, probably long-lasting.  So, the question is:  are you 2 having an affair?  If so, you need to think carefully at how this is going to develop; you don't want to be 'the other woman' for too long because you run the risk of never having the man to yourself (it's too easy for some men to maintain both relationships, and they like it that way).  Also, you need to understand if this man is unfaithful for reasons you can understand and empathize with, rather than because he's bored and he's looking for excitement.  If the latter is the case, beware because he's very likely to chose infidelity with anybody he's with as a tool to escape 'boredom'. 

If you 2 are not having an affair and you are only - at the moment - fantasizing about him, you need to evaluate if 'their' relationship is a strong one (if so, you may be better off moving on) or if you know that they are in the process breaking up for other reasons anyway.  You don't want to run the risk of living this 'love' in a unilateral way; it'd lead to disappointment and hearbreak. 

The signs that he is love with you (or not) are the same even if he's with someone else, so go through my simple checklist to have an idea.  The key is to remember that YOUR happiness is important, so wasting time over someone who's not in love with you and not committed to you is not an option :)

If he is indeed totally in love with you then all you have to do is evaluate if your love for him is real, or if it's just some form of transference due to a variety of psychological events and issues (very common).