Yet, I was still hoping that 'surrogate' and I would patch things up. I was trying to forget what had happened and cling on to better memories. Whilst searching for love I had forgotten to take care of myself. What a waste. What a terrible way to treat myself. I was allowing myself to be treated awfully: no wonder why they were treating be awfully too! In my experience I found that people, including lovers/partners/spouses, generally tend to treat you the same way you treat yourself. So, learn to take care of yourself! 

I had some shred of judgement left in me to know that I didn't feel loved by him or indeed anyone else. Certainly not in the true sense I was hoping for. My memory of my past relationships, when I analyzed them honestly, was that none of them had been really good. Some of them were passionate, full of excitement, full of fun, but devoid of any real, supportive love. Others had been solid but devoid of passion, excitement, laughter. Most of them were filled with arguments and, at times, disappointments. None of them had lasted more than five years (more often just one year), and I often felt the 'love' seemed to have faded away in one way or another, on my part or on their part. More on this on: 'falling in love?' and 'falling out of love'.

Finding a therapist  is not difficult.  I found mine through the Internet:  I selected a few, I read their profile, their speciality, their credentials, and contacted them by email.  The one who replied in a way that I could relate to, was chosen.  But, before you begin therapy, you must remember that a therapist is not an infallible person, and that you may well decide, at some point, that he or she is not for you.  Do NOT feel obliged to continue therapy if you don't feel it's helping you at all.  Do not fall into that trap.  Just tell him/her that you feel you are not making any progress and find another one.  I did and, after a few 'no thank you-s' I finally found an excellent one. 

If your sessions take place once a week, you must see some results in around 3 months in whichever goal you have set yourself. In fact, before you begin, work with your therapist on a plan so that you can both track progress. They are usually quite happy to do this. Do not just 'show up', cry your heart out, leave after paying him/her only to feel you were cheated out of money, or that he/she seemed to be more worried about going one minute over time than about working well WITH you.

Your therapy sessions must conclude, each time, in a way which makes you feel 'better' than before. A good therapist does not have a magic wand but if all you feel is awful at the end of each session, well, you need to say good-bye, no matter how hard it may be. You may have began to feel some form of attachment to him or her, but you must remember that a therapist is like a doctor to you; he/she is not your friend nor a parental figure and definitely not your potential boyfriend/girlfriend, no matter what your feelings for him or her may be. If you don't feel gradually but consistently stronger, better, happier in YOUR OWN everyday life, say good-bye and find another one.

If your therapist or counselor seems to 'pressurize' you into booking sessions you don't want to book or feel unsure about, he/she is not a good one. You must ALWAYS feel that YOU are in control of your therapy, NOT them. 

Are you falling out of love and want to resume your love search? Or is your partner falling out of love and you are in pain? Read here

* By surrogate boyfriend (or girlfriend) I mean someone who is not a real boyfriend/girlfriend, but rather a friend or even lover who is not with us in a 'committed, loving relationship'. It's not a real romantic relationship that we are experiencing with him/her but we are treating it as such for a variety of reasons, such as force of habit, comfort, boredom or even fear of loneliness.

Part 2 (of Counseling/Therapy whilst searching for love?) Click here.

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