Whilst searching for love you may have fallen in love with a Narcissist.  As you read this page, you may well wonder if the person you are dating, the person you love, is narcissistic and if so how this will affect your relationship. 

If you are here because you want to learn about understanding communication in a relationship with a Narcissist (and other difficult people), click here.

Beware of the red flags because narcissists will not make great partners or spouses unless they seek some therapy. Do not panic, though, because nobody’s perfect and everyone, at some point in their life, could use therapy!

Narcissists can be extremely likeable people, very popular with others, but they will not love you in any real sense of the word. 

Narcissism - In mythology, Narcissus was a very man (but the same can be said for a woman!) who spotted his reflection in the water and became mesmerized by it. He kept staring at it, whilst the image seemed to be staring back at him as longingly and as lovingly. Because he did not recognize the reflection as his own, he repeatedly tried in vain to possess the image, to reach for it; of course he could never truly have that 'person' (because it was an image, a reflection of himself).

Ok, you may say, enough mythology:

where does this all lead?

It leads to understanding how some people operate and why it's almost impossible to work with them unless they experience a true mind-shift.   It’ll be hard for anybody dealing with a Narcissist to want to do something about it because Narcissists  canbe extremely likeable people because whatever idea they have of themselves (of being kind, heroes, superwomen, etc) they will want others to recognize so they may go to great lengths to maintain that 'image' with others. That in itself is pathological, of course. But, at the same time, you (if you are in a relationship with a Narcissist) may feel increasingly 'weaker' as he/she keeps receiving all the social success, so to speak. And yet, you are beginning to know that behind the glorious (or kind, or gentle, or extremely likeable) surface lies someone who is incapable of true love.

When someone is Narcissist, they look at others and unconsciously see them as a reflection of themselves. Of course, this is subconscious, so it's an insidious process. They do not (and cannot) view others (therefore you, if you are in a relationship with them) as individuals in their own right. Rather, they unconsciously expect and anticipate that we will see things the way they see them, hold similar views, notice similar things, have similar preferences and so on.

My review on a great book

about relationships is here

Since they see others as a reflection of themselves, they cannot understand that their way of seeing others (and you) is precisely that - their  view of them, their interpretation of them. It makes it impossible to create real empathy (they cannot really walk in your shoes). They need to learn a new mind-shift.   More on this here  .

Another problem (but closely related to what I mentioned above) arises when a Narcissist demands of the other person that (in some way) they become more like them. When a Narcissist looks at others and unconsciously sees them as a reflection of him/her self, he/she cannot view them as individuals in their own right so he/she unconsciously anticipates they will see things the way he/she sees them, that they hold similar views, that they notice similar things, that they have similar preferences and so on.

Again, the Narcissist experiences others not as the center of their own activity but as a part of him/herself, as objects expected to reflect and support his/her wishes and desires.

So, if you have a relationship with a Narcissist, as long as you give him/her what they want (for example full approval of who they are, full agreement, full validation, full support in what they are doing, etc), then the relationship proceeds 'smoothly'.

But, if you don't behave as the Narcissist expects you to behave, he/she will be offended or extremely disappointed, or even become angry.

So, what's the practical summary of it all? 

Narcissists can easily fall in love with someone or something as long as that person helps support the image of that person as (for example) strong, caring intelligent, valuable, and so on. In fact, such individuals will do all they can (and be perceived very favourably by others whilst doing so) to foster an image of being generous and kind and understanding (for example) and will highly reward those who support this perception.

But they absolutely cannot tolerate those who disagree with them, or those who asked to be treated as separate individuals with their own points of view, their own wishes and needs. Narcissists are the nicest people you can imagine if they can have things their way. But they become incensed and indignant with those who do not act in accordance with their wishes and no amount of reasoning with them will soothe their wounded pride.

♥  Do you really know your loved one? What you must absolutely know to make your relatioship work. Click here.

♥  What is a real soul mate? Click here

♥  My review on a great book about relationships is here

There are many 'effective' Narcissists out there, who have learned how to effectively manipulate and control people and can appear to be remarkably likable, agreeable, and friendly individuals. So you need to check any red flag, see if they let you be who you are, think what you think (even if it's a different point of view) etc (of course you can't expect someone to totally agree with you either, otherwise you are the Narcissist!); and also check what their behaviour is like when you don't fully support when they do, or disagree with what they do (do it respectfully of course!). Beware of the red flags, otherwise you will find yourself in therapy with them  J or, searching for love all over again!

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