‘I am Single and Lonely’  

A lot of people write this to me and, I will admit, I have felt like this so many times in my life too!  So, what are the steps to take in order to get out of this ‘rut’?  

Being single does not mean you need to feel lonely, and being in a relationship does not necessarily rule out loneliness.  Let’s explore why and see how we can find a solution to this emotional pain.

First of all, yes, in an ideal world we would all be in a fantastic relationship, surrounded by a few true friends and completely fulfilled in our own professional life (whatever form that may take).  The reality is very different; believe it or not, in my experience I have noticed that very few people are truly fulfilled and, if they are, such fulfillment comes from within:  some of the happiest people I have found had nothing, no close family even, but essentially were completely at peace with who they were and their path in life.

Ok, let’s clarify this.  In order to be successful in your personal life and achieve happiness, and also in order to get out of the ‘single and lonely’ emotional trap, it’s essential to do the following:

1 - Find out who you are. Think of the person you want to be and what you would be if you had the choice to be anything. Would you be working with animals? Would you be a world traveler? Would you work 9 to 5 or be self-employed? What is your strongest passion in life (food, travel, music, the arts, movies, books, writing, the Internet, animals, nature, swimming, night clubs… etc?). Find out what really gives you happiness and, if you’re too much in pain to talk about ‘happiness’, which activity or interest makes you feel at least ‘ok’? This is for 2 reasons: a) because it helps you in your own inner peace, an essential quality for anybody who is serious about finding true love and b) it establishes your true identity, essential to find others who are also ‘true’ about themselves and their love.

2 - Stop lying to yourself and others.  Don’t fake your age, don’t fake your dreams and your expectations; don’t fake your successes.  Just be whoever you are and learn to be happy with that.  You’ll be surprised to find that people prefer honesty one thousand times over anything else; if you are true to yourself in a way that conveys a healthy dose of self-esteem you will end up attracting equally emotionally healthy individuals.  It’s the only way to make sure you don’t continue to suffer in love.  You may scare off some ‘gold-diggers’ or some ‘superficial, light-heads’, but who wants to share one’s life with people like that anyway?

3 - Stop trying to follow ‘societal’ parameters. So what if everybody seems to have a family, 2 kids and one dog? You are unique and you need to find what will be that makes you really happy. I need you to understand an essential point, which may be hard to accept but is so important to grasp: if you don’t have that ‘square’ life, it probably means that, somewhere inside of you, you don’t really want it, for whatever reasons. So, you need to find out why and find out who you really are and what you really want from life (which takes us back to point 1). If you want to explore this point further, ask me through the comments page and I’ll write more about this. You will soon be able to post comments on this site or questions, to which we can answer publicly. Unfortunately we cannot answer to all the emails we receive in private, but hopefully we'll be able to answer to all in public, on the comments section.

4 - Learn to be happy with yourself.  This may sound like a cliché but, in brief, if you don’t like your own company, how do you seriously expect others to like it?  Only those who appreciate themselves can truly attract others who will also appreciate them.   

5 - Take care of yourself. Don’t treat yourself badly, don’t always go for the cheapest, most horrid food just to save a dollar, don’t buy the worst rag in the market all the time… Treat yourself once in a while, be your own best friend. I had to learn this myself: I started by buying good quality organic food (after all, I need to take care of my body, right?), then I started walking in the sun (I live in a cold-climate city) and, whenever possible, walking on the beach not to ‘look for’ potential mates but to soak up the ocean, look up the beautiful sky, breath better air. Then occasionally I would ‘take myself out’ to a fancy place or anywhere I really wanted to be, rather than waiting to go with my ‘soul mate’. Soon I was beginning to enjoy life and that began to show in my body and in my overall ‘attitude’, which, in turn, turned me into a much more attractive person to any potential mate. If you are interested in this particular point, go to the N1 Rule for Happiness in Love, which explains this point in depth.

Learn to recognize the signs of attraction and, more importantly the signs of love.  This will help you ‘diagnose’ early on if you’re wasting your time and emotions over someone who is not deserving of them, and help you move on to finding ‘the one’ who can truly love you.   

Reasons why you are still single: go to why still single?

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