Arguments in your Marriage?  Relationship Rescue (searching for love and harmony in your relationship)

Do you and your loved one argue all the time?  Has your communication been like hitting a brick wall lately?  Do not despair and don’t make the mistake of believing that arguing is a sign that you two are doomed. In fact, conflict is more common than you think and no couple, no matter how loving towards each other, if they are honest, lives without arguing. In fact, arguments are not only inevitable but also essential. It is much healthier to experience conflict (as long as it’s not violent or abusive, of course) than to live in silence or lack of communication, where the dissatisfaction or the resentment or the pain is kept inside and not given a voice. 

Communication Secrets & NLP:  read here

A great book about love reviewed here

A list of great self-help material is here

 

You need to voice your needs to your loved one. Remember that your needs will be different from your partner’s. Also, the way you perceive the situation will definitely not be the same way your partner perceives it (more on this particular point on this page). Hence the conflict. If handled correctly, arguments can contribute to restore a much better, healthier, even more loving atmosphere between you and your loved one.

Do not fool yourself that there is someone out there with whom you can live in perfect harmony; ‘perfect’ harmony, if at all, only takes place at the beginning, for very interesting psychological reasons; it is inevitable that this will end and some form of conflict will begin, sooner or later.  (If you are interested in reading what those ‘interesting psychological reasons’ are go to this page.)

However, you must learn to utilise an argument in a constructive manner, as a tool to improve your connection with your spouse or love partner; you must therefore not allow it to degenerate into a 'fight' which will only weaken the connection you two have.  I have therefore highlighted a few essential steps to help you through this process:  what NOT to do and what to do when you and your loved one are arguing.

What NOT to do:

1 – Do not become confrontational and turn a disagreement or an argument into a way to offend or directly criticize your loved one. You must never criticize the person, but only the action. For example, don’t say: ‘you are selfish’ but rather ‘I feel that this/that action/behaviour is selfish’; why? Because you want to avoid the other person becoming defensive; defensiveness will prevent them from actually listening to your grievances and will only make them emotionally 'hurt' you back.

2 – Do not start blaming each other. For the same reasons highlighted in point 1, if you start pointing fingers you will only achieve that the other person is going to do the same towards you or just retreat in to silence; either ways will kill the communication and the problem will not go away; in fact, it’ll get worse because now resentment will have increased.   So, do not begin your sentences with ‘you [do this]’ or ‘you [did this]’ etc (in a critical way) but rather start with ‘I feel […] when [this] happens and I would like us to work on [this] together …’ and so on. Use a cooperative tone, one which suggests that you are in it together so to speak, rather than one against the other.

3 –Needless to say, never become violent or aggressive in any way.  If you have a problem with aggression or, worse still, violence, you should not even be in a relationship until you have resolved the issues within yourself that make you aggressive.   Aggression comes from within and it has nothing to do with the other, no matter how irritating they can be.  I hope you know this and, if you don’t, I hope you go to a therapist  who can help you understand this and accept this.

What TO DO:   

1 – Calm Down and Maintain Composure (or Gain Composure) 

Keep calm no matter how angry you may feel. There's nothing wrong with emotions but you cannot, right now, let emotions get in the way of communication. If you can’t calm down, go out for a few minutes or even hours (tell your partner that you need to calm down before you go out, don't just slam the door and disappear!) or just breath deeply until you regain calm. If you start raising your voice at your partner you will automatically lose the argument: why? Because she/he will focus on your aggressive or abusive act (your aggressive voice or your patronizing tone etc) rather than listening to what you are trying to convey. Similarly, if your partner is the one who’s out of control, do not allow him/her to inject aggression in the argument but rather tell him/her that you both need ‘time out’ to re-establish calm in the situation. Go out if you have to, but never continue an argument when it’s become aggressive (even if just verbally) in any way. When voices are raised, it's time for ... 'Time Out'.

Communication Rescue:  read   here

Do you really know your loved one?  Read  here

2 - Listen to What Your Partner Has to Say. Listen to her/his pain and connect with that. When they feel listened to, people automatically become calmer and more receptive to constructive communication which, in turn, will make them more willing to listen to and empathize with your needs. 

3 – Find a Point of Mutual Agreement and build from there.  Even the simplest thing you can agree on, as a first step to meeting each other’s needs, will be extremely important.  It will appease both of you and give you a sense of achievement and hope.  Next time you can build on it and go to step two, and so forth. 

Are you with a Narcissist?  Read more on this here

It will help you greatly if you learn to see your loved one's point of view. Once you can see where they are coming from it’ll be as if you’d opened a secret door on the brick wall you felt you faced before. There are very powerful communication techniques (if you want to read about them you can   click here)  that teach you to do this simply and effectively.

You may also benefit from knowing why resentment and dissatisfaction set in and how to really know your partner and experience real love bliss (for this you can click here) and experience real love bliss!  

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