3 Love Relationship Types you must recognize

If you have been searching for love or rather, for a potential romantic partner, knowing the types of relationships defined below will be very useful to you.  Similarly, when you are in a relationship, you are likely to be in one of those three types of relationships, as I learnt from my own counseling as well as witnessed in every day experience.  I have described these 'love' relationship 'types' simplistically because  I would like you to derive some useful, easy, practical tips from such descriptions.  Significantly, whilst here I am focusing on romantic relationships, these 'types' can be applied to deep friendships or any close human connection in your life.

First of all, in order to understand these types of relationships it may be useful to remember that when we say 'I love you' we usually mean one of the following (but very different) things: 

1 ) 'I love the feelings I experience when I am around you' (sometimes we say 'I love the way I feel around you').  For example, I feel good by the way you look at me, or I feel good when you smile at me, when you treat me well, and so forth.  As you may have noticed, in this case it's about how I feel.  

I have heard an analogy which clears this concept really well.  Let's say I notice a beautiful garden and I want to sit somewhere in it and admire it, enjoy it.  'I love this garden!' I will probably say.  What I mean is that I love looking at it, sitting in it, relaxing in it, I love the way I feel when I am in this garden.  

 

However, I can sit in it forever and not even realize that this garden requires constant care and attention if it is to remain the way it is, and indeed if it is to flourish.   Which leads me to the second meaning of 'I love you': 

2 ) I love you because I treat you in certain ways which YOU experience or regard as being loved.  So, using the same analogy above used, I spend time and energy taking care of the garden to allow it to flourish (and be the garden which I like so much);  so I need to understand that garden, its specific soil, its specific plants etc, and nurture it in the specific way it needs to be nurtured.

At this point I need to highlight that sometimes we follow in the trap of thinking that we are acting in a loving way but in fact those ways are actually harmful for that person.  For example, I can be overprotective, too restrictive, excessively controlling and so on, yet think that my actions are fine 'because I love him/her'.  It's like watering a garden too much, or too little, or giving it the wrong nutrients, simply because WE feel/think it's the best way to treat the garden.    

Evolving, Revolving and Devolving Relationships 

Evolving.  In this type of relationship we are evolving, growing, maturing, 'expanding' emotionally, psychologically and at times even professionally.  Through our relating to our boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse, we learn new things about ourselves and each other, as well as the 'world around' us.  We therefore treat our partner (and he/she treats us) with great respect, care, much love;  we support and encourage each other in our own growth and development.  We provide the conditions which allow our partner's growth.   We both do.  This is not a one-way street!  I have read and witnessed that only a minority of successful and healthy relationships manage to reach this 'evolving' stage.  But, of course, it would be the most desirable! 

Revolving.  In this type of relationship we are primarily seeking consistency, comfort, a place where we can 'relax'.  Here it's not about 'growth' but about 'security', conformity, predictability and comfort'.

If successful, we both find relaxation and comfort.  Most 'normal' relationships fall into this category.  I have been taught, however, that since these relationships do not cater to our own 'growth', they will, sooner or later, start to 'dissatisfy' us in one way or another.  At that point we will need to 'work' at the relationship.   

If not successful, we start to demand that our partner change his/her actions and behaviour so that we can feel that 'comfort'.  Sometimes we are the ones who 'give in' to keep the peace and, unless the underlining issues are resolved, it may lead to conflict and dissatisfaction later on.  Or, sometimes, we seek stimuli for such growth elsewhere (not necessarily in another person, but for example we may 'dive' into our work too much, or devote more and more time to a hobby, etc). 

Devolving.  These relationships are 'rolling downward'  (devolving), degenerating.  They may have started appearing to offer security and comfort but they no longer clearly do so to one or both partners.  In this type of relationship, we are thwarted in our growth as individuals at the very least.  It is safe to say that, if you are in a relationship but in pain in one way or another, or living in apathy within it, it may be a very good idea to seek therapy, even if one of you is not interested.  You will need to learn why you are in this relationship, learn about yourself, learn how you contributed to the pain.  

Even if your problems within the relationships may not be severe (so there is no abuse but just an overall sense of dissatisfaction) and you may not be able to seek a therapist, read this book The Truth about Love, by Pat Love, which I recommend if you wish to truly learn all about love, as well as other 'self-help material'.  I did not write this book nor any other recommended material, but it was suggested to me by my counselor and I found it very interesting and helpful as I was searching for love.  Alternatively, read my pages on communication techniques and arguments.  I do think you will find them useful.

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