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Emotional dependency or 'loving too much': this is why you cannot find true love, not even in your own relationship.
Even if at the beginning of any relationship one tends to want to be ‘one’ with the other all the time, which is perfectly normal at the beginning, as the relationship progresses the individuals should resume their individuality so that they can each take care of themselves first and therefore not lose their own ‘wholeness’, which in turn is what makes them good partners to anybody emotionally healthy.
Those suffering from emotional dependencies on the other hand continue to devote themselves completely to ‘the other’ at the expense of one’s own well-being (as a very basic example, cooking what the other wants all the time rather than following one’s own nutritional plan). The emotionally dependent individual, often female, tends to ‘lose’ herself/himself in that ‘love’ so that – subconsciously – she/he can fill the emotional void often carried from childhood. Thus, subconsciously or even consciously, ‘the other’ becomes our ‘saviour’, our whole reason for living and, when ‘the other’ is not present, even temporarily, we feel as if we don’t exist (or we feel ‘dead’ inside, or we feel nothing at all, or we panic). Ironically, those suffering from emotional dependency are not truly able to experience real love and real emotional intimacy. Because of the constant fear of abandonment, of separation, of loneliness (conscious or subconscious) they tend to deny one’s own needs and desires, replicating the past experiences (from childhood, for example, where they might have been denied to be themselves by strict parents, or where they tended to desperately please or claim the attention of an absentee parent.
This type of personality (the emotionally dependent) often chooses (again, often subconsciously) ‘difficult’ partners, such as those with other type of dependencies for example, such as drugs, alcohol, gambling; or, he/she chooses a partner who does not truly love her/him so that conquering that love becomes an all-time-consuming project. All of this still in order to neglect one’s own needs (neglecting one’s own needs is the only thing that this type of personality knows, due to one’s past experiences, so this is the only behaviour he/she knows and repeats. Since the emotionally dependent chooses another emotionally deficient partner, even if in a different way (as explained above), unhealthy patterns develop within the relationship, from mild co-dependencies to severe patterns such as abused/abuser. The emotionally dependent sometimes reinforces the other’s deficiencies almost in order to keep the mutual dependence thus ensuring that we will not be abandoned. Within the relationship there is often deep incompatibility, lack of mutual respect, different life zeniths, emotional needs and desires which are very different. There is very little (or no) emotional (psychological) intimacy at all. Despite the fact that such relationships are deeply dissatisfying, the emotional dependent is completely incapable to leave. At the same time, if the other has left the relationship, the emotionally dependent will fall in a deep depressive state with anxiety, or obsessive behavioural patterns, insomnia, lack of appetite or excessive appetite, melancholia and so on. Those suffering from emotional dependency tend to identify themselves with the person they love (in a complex way) and tend to fear change. They fear change in the relationship’s dynamics, for example, and tend to suffocate individual interests (theirs and their partner’s). Some emotionally dependent tend to believe, consciously or subconsciously, that by devoting time and energy completely to the other they strengthen the relationship and, when this does not happen, they tend to fall in the depressive, anxious or obsessive states described above. EMOTIONAL DEPENDENCY WHEN THE OTHER IS NOT OBTAINABLE.
Sometimes emotional dependency takes the form of obsessive love or interest for someone who is not available to us (they may live in a different world, or may simply not reciprocate one’s feelings at all). In these cases the emotional dependency is based on rejection, on self-denial, on the struggle towards the ‘target’, on the pain that such ‘struggle’ carries. Sometimes the dependency (or the self-validation) is in the elusive obtainment of the unobtainable (basically put, the idea that we may conquer such an unobtainable person gives us a ‘high’ in the same way a drug addict gets a high from his drug fix). The emotionally dependent individual has a profound need to be loved, stemming from painful experiences of childhood or adolescence, often involving parents. But, because of such ‘mis-learnings’, they are incapable of real love (without some form of therapy or counselling). They ‘beg’ love and attention daily from their partner, seek the attention of the object of their desire in any way they can, they get ‘stuck’ with a partner who is totally incompatible (thus perpetuating the vicious cycle of struggling to receive love); these self-denying experiences often renders them generally angry and generally unhappy. Emotional dependency can be a chronic state or a tendency during some vulnerable periods of our lives. It affects more women than men though there are no age restrictions. These individuals often have a deep sense of self-inadequacy; they are not very aware of themselves, their own feelings and how they relate to the world in general (some therapists teach these individuals to simply sit down and learn to notice their body, their soul, their heart beating, the air they breathe and so on). These individuals have no idea of what self-love is and how only when you have enough self-love (not selfishness, by the way, which is a completely different thing) can you love someone else; when you have enough self-love you do not seek validation in the other (not in friends, not in a lover, not in a husband) and you remain the same inside no matter how others may treat you (basically, you are not moved by compliments nor destructive criticisms). When the emotionally dependent ‘sees the light’ and begins to consider move on from a destructive relationship or emotional situation, he/she soon is ‘blocked’ by the fear of change and the fear of having to learn to become ‘independent’, which is totally alien to this personality; this reinforces a sense of inadequacy and therefore exacerbates the emotional dependence towards the other: the vicious circle repeats itself and the dependent becomes completely ‘stuck’. This type of personality often has an obsessive and phobic fear to lose the person they ‘love’; this creates anxiety at any ‘signal’ that the other may lose interest (these ‘signs’ may be real or imagined). For example, if the other does not call us back immediately or within the time expected we fall into the above-mentioned anxious state. The following characteristics are quite basic to the emotionally dependent (this is a basic summary but it’s not exhaustive, obviously):
If you don’t know where to start in order to become ‘whole’ and lose your emotional dependency, read the N1 Rule to Success in Love. | |
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