Another NLP Master Belief:

YOU CANNOT 'NOT COMMUNICATE'

(Neuro Linguistic Programming - NLP, part 2)

It's not just about words, it's about a whole series of gestures, movements (from the most obvious to the least obvious such as eye movement), postures, tone and tonalities.  So, when you think that you and your 'other half' are not communicating, you are indeed still communicating in many different ways.  You may not be talking much, but you are still communicating in all other ways.

And, because we all communicate differently (and we 'read' things differently, as NLP has taught us on our mental 'maps'), sometimes we grossly misread (or we ignore) the other person's real message. 

For example:  if they sigh, I may interpret it as a sign of unhappiness and continue to elaborate on that, such as 'they're not happy with me';  but I may be overlooking some other concurrent body gestures of theirs which - to them - mean they have had a hard day and are now happy to be home and relax!  This 'misunderstanding' may lead to an argument when it was instead a re-affirmation of love, albeit from another way of 'acting'.  So, how can NLP actually help? 

Neuro Linguistic Programming teaches us that the secret to real communication is not only to pay attention to what someone says but also to pay equal if not more attention to how  they are saying it and what they are doing at the same time!  Or, if verbal communication is not a strong point for either of you, just pay attention at the non-verbal communication signs, bearing in mind that such 'signs' mean DIFFERENT things to different people.  This is where learning about your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse, for example through how they relate to others is important.  But, above all, before jumping to conclusion, think that your interpretation of his or her communication (non-verbal) may be very different to his/her reality!   

THE MEANING OF YOUR COMMUNICATION IS THE RESPONSE YOU GET

Onto the next NLP master belief: when we feel that we're hitting a brick wall and just not getting through to the other person, we often feel so frustrated that we may end up blaming them (and tell ourselves that they're selfish, they're lazy, they just don't care, etc).

But sometimes (especially when we are in a loving relationship of any kind) it's just that 'the other' receives what we are saying through his/her own mental map (remember the mental map is not the territory?). 

So, rather than just wait for them to 'adjust' to our map, we could simply take that opportunity to realize that the way we are communicating our point is not successful and that we need to adjust how we are communicating it to them. In other words, Neuro Linguistic Programming teaches us that, when we are hitting a brick wall in communication, rather than blaming them we can just take it as a signal that we need to adjust our communication so that it's received (understood) clearly to them.  

After all, think this:  do you think that by blaming them they'll respond better to your point?  No, they'll just think that you are a nag (or a bore, or similar) and want to stay as far away from you as possible! 

Instead, you can use your creativity (think about what they respond well to, from your knowledge of them) and devise better ways to communicate your point/s to them.  Not just words, but in every way to which they respond well. 

As I said earlier on, you can apply these NLP lessons to your good (or not so good) relationship but also to your 'dates', when you are falling in love, as well as family and friends!  And, if you argue a lot with your loved one, you may wish to visit this page. 

 

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